SOLA Systems
GROUP CULTURE: Guidelines
RELATED PODCAST: Episode 30: This is not a peer support group
INTRODUCTION: Why these guidelines exist
If you've been fearful of having a repeat experience of peer support groups, or group social experiences
of negotiating the unclear rules and expectations of a semi-social space, of not knowing whether it's your turn, or how much space to take up, and being vigilant for others' comfort,
I want to invite you to experience something different.
The transformative aspects of the group offerings and programs by SOLA Systems are made possible through a very specific approach to group culture.
Which is the FOCUS on the specific purpose: receiving and witnessing coaching.
This focus becomes the source of context and connection, instead of agreement / being liked / fitting in.
You are there for YOUR journey
AND to bear witness to others' journeys as a source of highly relevant context for your own journey in self acceptance and self becoming.
Paradoxically, this "self-centred" + witnessing approach leads to a space of increased trust - because what is shared that is vulnerable has a space to land without usual self-consciousness and over-concern for its impact on others, and therefore of how much we experience conditional belong.
Here, if you are enrolled, you belong.
And the below guidelines offer a reading of the logics of why this works, and how to deepen your access to what the group programs offer.
QUESTIONS?
Email: [email protected]
The GUIDELINES
1.0 The PRINCIPLE of Unlearning
In any relationship, there are two unknowns:
WHO are YOU with ME?
WHO am I with YOU?
In a group, these are multiplied!
We increase the possibility of experiencing trust and connection, when we stay open to not knowing.
This means:
Unlearning the goal of assumed safety-through-agreement, shared meanings, and certainty,
so as to instead be open to a culture of curiosity, difference, and not knowing:
1.1
Unlearning the socialised habits of making sweeping statements or assumptions about the world, people's experiences, cultures, goals and actions.
1.2
Owning our individual experiences and perspectives as our own, taking responsibility for our own actions, and allowing for the possibility of connection that also has space for disagreement, difference, and discordant perspectives.
1.3
Unlearning the social habit of connection through shared suffering (e.g. 'venting').
1.4
Unlearning the habit of offering advice or opinions, or rescuing, bypassing or minimising others' emotions or experiences, to create comfort for ourselves.
1.5
Unlearning the goal of accruing social capital through being read as the most 'right', 'good', 'correct'.
Unlearning ideological and moralistic judgements, and the "us" versus "them" thinking that emanates from mistaking a social, cultural, knowledge or theological system/perspective as "the right/only one".
1.6
Being willing to notice and become aware of these unconscious socialised patterns as our default, and how those shape our assumptions for how people will relate to and interpret us.
2.0 The PRINCIPLE of Self Connection First
THE PRINCIPLE OF SELF CONNECTION, AS A PRE-REQUISITE TO CONNECTION WITH OTHERS
Connection with others is not possible unless we are connected to ourselves.
Connection to self is not always in our control, but paying attention to how connected we are is.
The question of whether your nervous system 'reads' another human as safe can depend on past experiences, and current levels of resourcing - meaning that no person or space or structure can decree itself as 'safe'.
However there are ways of coming together that can contribute to a space being one of shared humanity, courage, trust, and belonging;
2.1
When entering shared space, we might notice:
How well resourced am I in this moment?
What level of engagement is supportive to me right now?
Can I access a felt sense of goodness and safety in my body, or at least orient to the seeking of it? What sensations are present?
What access needs might need to be communicated or met? Do I know what they are? Where can I take greater responsibility for making me needs met or asking for help?
Am I available for connection? Or am I in protective/defensive/survival modes? (And can I be non-judgmental about the state I am in?)
Am I seeking distraction or entertainment, and using this space to avoid feeling or facing something? (And can I be non-judgmental about the habit I am in?)
2.2
When less resourced (lower nervous system capacity / overwhelmed / activated), our seeking of safety can look like:
seeking certainty, and enacting patterns of past enculturation- patterns of what was normal in our past;
So how might I try on another way of being?
Holding back versus advocating: what is my usual mode? Can I try another?
Overwhelmed: how can I look after my own needs in this moment?
Triggered: what is being activated from my own past or associations, that is now ready to heal?
Pace of engagement: Am I available for this interaction and ready to respond? How can I honour the pace of my processing?
Where am I seeking comfort? Can I seek comfort intentionally, so I can be open to the discomfort of learning and unlearning.?
2.3
While witnessing coaching:
Notice if any charged emotions or reactions come up for you
Listen for what you can learn for your own journey: how might this apply to me?
Listen with curiosity for what you can learn about the person being coached, and the process unfolding.
3.0 The PRINCIPLE of the power of WITNESSING
Optional and alternative ways to offer support / to witness others' being coached, without giving advice or opinions or assuming shared experiences:
Witnessing your own internal responses and journey
Indicate you have witnessed/read/seen what has been shared
Indicate with supportive emotion - love, emojis, words of affirmation
Summarise your understanding of what was shared and offer it for clarification
Ask open-ended questions
Share what someone else’s coaching has illuminated for you in your own journey - taking ownership of your own experience
Trust that the individual being coached can move through difficult things, and solve their problems - resist the urge to save/fix/offer advice/opinions
State perspectives you offer as being your truth, not THE truth.
Avoid making blanket statements about everyone's experiences - share what is specific to you and your journey, and listen harder around identities you don’t hold.
END
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Key points:
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Upon becoming a member of the any programs offered by SOLA Systems / Louisa Shaeri, you agree to not disclose to anyone outside the group, publicly or privately, any information that may help to identify another group members, or contain any specifics to the content of interactions with other group members, or subject matters discussed. This includes, but is not limited to, names, physical descriptions, biological information, coaching requests and subjects, and personal stories shared within the group. You may speak outside the group about your own feelings and reactions to material and interactions experienced within the group provided you maintain privacy. This group and the coaching offered within it, do NOT constitute a research tool or place to gather data or ideas for repurposing in your own work or services. We reserve the right to immediately remove you from the Service, without refund, if you are found to have violated this policy.
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Updated SEPTEMBER 2024.
