36. When the fear of being "too much" is stopping you

Episode summary:

When what you want to CREATE or BECOME

isn’t just new or unknown,

but ALSO involves being more of the parts of you that have in the past been actively discouraged,

the fear of being “too much/not good enough”

can stop you expanding and moving forward into your most fervently coveted dreams and goals.

So what to do?

This isn’t about will power. 

Or pushing past your comfort zone. 

Or thought work.

It's not comfort zone stuff. It’s survival response stuff.

Because when what you want to be or create represents social rejection, isolation and alienation,

then what you want to create or be represents what our most primitive limbic neurological instinctive self pre-thought identifies as actual death.

 So OF COURSE you don’t do it.

And what happens instead,

is you hold back

you simmer in the reasons your brain offers for why not. 

And the lack of action lowers your belief that what you want to create or be is possible.

And all the shitty people who judged you, start to become more important in your attention. 

And you start to identify with the reasons why not.

You start to think that’s who you are.

You stay in the small toxic pond of doubters - which are now in your own mind and belief system

and you let that environment dictate what you are going to be and do in this life.

So the solution is to know that we expand towards our potential through CONNECTION.

You need the relational conditions around your dreams, for them to feel safe to move towards.

We expand by being with other people who affirm the choices we want to make along the way.

In this episode, I speak to how vital that is, as you move towards making the very unique self and dreams inside you, real on the outside.

LISTEN HERE

Unedited TRANSCRIPT
So when you're trying to do things you've never done, and you actually don't know for sure, if you can do them, if your dreams are possible, if your goals are for you, just the fact that it's new means that you aren't going to believe yet. And so you build belief as you go, you build belief, because you don't yet have any proof that you can do it. And so you shouldn't believe every person who ever did anything new, started with less than 100% Belief 100% Belief that you can do it only comes after you've done it. So the process of taking action towards what you want, when the action is new, when that thing that you want hasn't ever been done by you before, then taking action has to be about building that belief. Right? Am I taking the kinds of actions that feed back to me that I'm moving towards it? Right, and so the, the belief that it's possible starts to build as you take tangible steps. But, and this is what I want to talk about in this episode, when the thing that you want to do also involves being parts of you, that in the past have been actively discouraged. And then you have a fear of being too much right or wrong. And that stops you taking those steps, and it stops you expanding and it stops you moving forward, into and towards those most fervently most coveted dreams and goals, the ones that you are internally pulled towards right. This means you don't take those steps, because taking each of those steps, involves or even thinking about the goal thinking about whether this is possible, it involves the expression of parts of you that go against the grain, right? That go against the easy flow, the downward flow of social conditioning, that go against past habitual self, that go against how other people have told you shown you intimated right that you should be this is the correct way for you to create what you want to create, or be who you really are, means going the other way, right. And what this means is that you taking steps towards what you want to create to be to have represents more and more embodying the parts of you that you've never been that you've never felt safe or permitted. All right, to fully express and embody. Right? Maybe you've been told that that side of you is too much you're doing it wrong. This kind of discouragement, this courage meant, right? They stole your courage. They said no, that's too far. That's too much. Right? That's, that means that the things that you want represent rejection and isolation. Right? So, of course, you're going to then struggle with taking those steps. So not only is there the belief and building belief as you go, because it's just new for you. But there's also this needs to more and more create personal nervous system safety to move in that direction. So when that's part of the picture, when this is not just about Building belief, but it's also about claiming things that you were taught were wrong, embodying them, then this isn't a question of willpower. This isn't about pushing past your comfort zone. Because when your comfort zone looks like isolation and alienation and being separate from the group, then moving beyond your comfort zone, in that direction represents social death, aka, or our most primitive limbic, neurological, instinctive, ancient, pre thought, self identifies as death, right. So this is not comfort zone stuff. This is freak out into overwhelm, and freeze response stuff. And the reason that this fear stops you is because it's literally an imprint in your nervous system that moving into that part of you, equals rejection and isolation. So of course, you're not going to do it. Right. And when we don't start to take those actions that build belief, because those actions represent isolation, what happens is in the non action, right, as you start to get mired in and swim in your present circumstances, and all of the reasons why not. And that lack of action and low is your belief, you know, what you want? Well, you know, it's not this. And yet, you're not taking the actions towards what you want. And so your sense of self belief starts to decline. Right, and then all of the people who judged you who told you you that it's too much, that it's not possible for you that you're doing it wrong, that you are wrong, right, all of those judgments, all of those opinions, all of the ideas around us of what's correct and right, start to become more and more important in our attention. Right. And then you start to identify with all of those reasons why not an all of the inaction and your current circumstances, and you start to think that that's who you are. Right, and then you end up staying in this small, toxic pond of doubters, which are now also in your own mind, in your own belief system. And you let that surrounding environment dictate who you're going to be and what you're going to do in this life. And it's very hard to motivate, or thought work your way or discipline your way out of conditions that are reinforcing the opposite reality of what where you want to be right. It's not a training ground of becoming, I don't know, a Wimbledon tennis winner, if you're hanging out with old folks in an old folks home, and all they have is a dusty ol ping pong set. And you've got no one to play it with. Right? That's your circumstance, no matter how you try Wimbledon will never happen. I don't think any listener listening to this wants to do Wimbledon, but hopefully it's a useful analogy. My point is, sometimes we can get in the idea that oh, yeah, this is practice or I need to put up with negative relationships. Or I need to put up with people who cross my boundaries. Or I need to, you know, do the things that are supposedly correct, I need to earn my way or I need to practice or I'm not good enough yet, or I don't deserve it yet. Right. So we sometimes start to think oh, this is like a training ground or, but it's not it's not practice if you're trying to plant and nurture the seeds of your dreams, on a busy walkway in the local park with tonne of people coming up to the train station and walking directly over them. Okay, so you're changing your life, you're living your dreams, you're stretching beyond your circumstances. Right? If you know on some level that this is going to mean you're starting to be more of yourself. Right you starting to do things in ways that actually see you. You asking for help Ukraine different structures. And that those things and embracing those parts of you. Being more of yourself if that in the past has meant rejection. Right then today I want to give you this solution because it's not all on you.

9:54
And here's what I want you to take away from this episode. I'm just going to give it to you straight away And then we'll open it up, you have to get clear that how we expand towards our potential is through connection. You need relationships and connection around who you're becoming and what you want. So that the conditions around what you want and who you're becoming, are actually supportive and conducive to them being real. And don't represent isolation. We expand by being with other people who affirm the choices that we need to make in that direction. Right, we get around other people who are seeking and moving towards the types of things that we want to move towards. Right, we get around people who have the understanding, and the capacity and the desire and the non competitive support and the non projection to stay with us, to see us to stay connected with us, as we grow into who we becoming. Right. So if the fear of being too much, if the fear of judgement, if the fear of what people will think comes up for you, then your solution is to find relationships where that isn't the case. And it doesn't have to be your entire surroundings, you just need enough of it somewhere in your life. So that in your body and your nervous system in your being, you can trust that moving towards what you want, still involves connection, right and still involves relationship that you won't be alone. After late diagnosis, or self identifying as autistic or ADHD, or really any big major life change or role change. Sometimes what can happen is that we find out who was with us just for a season or just for a reason, right? Who may be needed us to keep masking, or needed us to not be assertive, or needed us to hide who we really are. Right? Sometimes we start to find out, hmm, this friendship hasn't survived this next step of me becoming who I am. Right? And sometimes that can happen and there's grief in that there's right, there's sadness, there's, there's a lot to process in that. Right. Sometimes we have to shed people, shed social environments, shed friendships, shed influences, right? Start Editing what we're consuming, if it's not reflective, and supportive of where we're going. And you make that easier when you have new things, new people that are reflective of where you're going. And when your nervous system gets another relational experience gets to co regulate into who you're becoming, gets to be witnessed, believed, accepted in that is when you have some evidence for the parts of you that are seeking that safety of the group, seeking that safety of acceptance, and to rewire your nervous system for what choices are available to you what, what's open to you what's possible. So much of what I do now, I'm understanding is not so much mindset. As much as offering up the social space to be seen and witnessed and supported and accepted by as you start to more and more practice and become those sides of you that weren't able to be expressed elsewhere. Right? The mindset piece is important because sometimes those thoughts about what is possible, and the ways that we have adjusted to and adapted to what has previously been safe, right? Sometimes those thoughts, those perspectives are still active, they're still there as reasons they have to be cleaned up. But this is really about getting around people who believe in you who can see you who don't judge you and who can be like an amplification system for that quiet voice inside you. Right You're seeing it seen and reflected back. You have a space in which you can be held in moving towards that in allowing that to become more and more real for you, and when you have some of that, where you have that type of relationship somewhere, right, and you start taking action, and you start building belief, guess what the other voices become so much less powerful and important. And connection is available when you have a coach. Right without you having to craft it socially, earn it befriend someone, right? You can skip right to what you most need the most affirmative support to help you claim claim those desires. Right? Get into the steps of okay, how do I get there, now that I have the encouragement, or the in courage men, right, I'm sorry, starting to build the resources to be in the courageous steps that this is going to involve. And I'm feeling connected, what I want represents connection. So that's what I want to say to you. But there's more to it right? Because we also expand through having the right tools if you want to go to Wimbledon. And when you have to at least have the right racket. You don't need a fancy tennis outfit, and a swanky tennis court or membership. You may need someone to teach you how to play. And so this also brings in the fact that most people are not trying to expand beyond socialised limits. Most people are content to fit in because it's not as painful for them. Right? They're just trying to fit in and meet expectations. We don't actually have to follow the given paths or the correct age milestones or a balanced life looks like. And maybe you need the tools you need to get around people who are doing things that imagine beyond those socialised limitations, right, the limited imagination that people have for what life is supposed to look like, who people are, what it means to be human. Right and what you might be capable of creating. And what is reasonable to do in terms of a life structure. Right? What if you need to be in a season of change and a season of hyper focusing on what you won? A season of up levelling, the season of refusing what doesn't work? And starting to build what does right and when you are someone who has experienced that those parts of you haven't been embraced, it means that you doing that you becoming that you moving towards what you want, is also medicine. Right? Is also leadership is also a culture shift in itself. Is you cutting new paths, like literally carving new universe, inventing the way being bioluminescence in the dark, being the lighthouse, heeding that quiet guidance inside that saying no, not that way, this way. So that needs specific, tailored type of support. And it needs cutting out some of the naysayers. It means getting some teammates or people who want to learn alongside you. Right? It means getting a mentor who can give you the shortcut who can show you where you might need adjustment, right? Who can show, okay, this is a path lots of people have taken, who are trying to do what you're doing, who have done it. And what you can gather from that. That maybe isn't available in the wider culture. As someone whose job it is to help you win on your team, getting around people who already believe in you before you start. That's me, by the way, I already believe in you. So connection, and the right tools. The right mentor. This is how connection means you have some people someone with whom to experience connection around where you're going. So that in your nervous system, you aren't then triggering trauma responses having to go against the deepest parts of your nervous system, right. And that you can then repattern that internal deep seated sense of what's okay for you to do.

19:56
And when you start doing it the people who who might have judged you might have rejected, you might have projected their own idea of correctness and what it means to be part of the herd. That starts to have so much less impact, it becomes way less important becomes water off a duck's back, or it becomes something that is something that you can record on your path as Oh, yeah, no, this is just, this is just part of it. This is just part of going against someone's conditioning, where they get confused by the choices that you're making, right, where you're going against what they think they are allowed to do. And when you have the tools to also reposition their judgement, their projections as being evidence of their own models of reality as belonging to them as being about them. And you have people around you, it means you can have compassion for them. Right, they're living in limited thinking, and you're confusing the hell out with them. And they didn't know that there's so much more available. And they've based their acceptance on fitting in. And it means that you also have the tools to process the emotion of hurt that can come with it, without it being a decree of what you are allowed to do. So you get all of this as part of the Solar System Plus siblings. And this brings me to a moment where I want to invite you to work with me, this is my group programme for autistic status, kind hearted, ambitious, visionary people who want support for those identity shifts that are involved in a big life change, or a vocational leap, or just simply use down to be who you are, on a whole other level. So this is for you, if you know that you're meant for more then the mediocrity of half fitting in and downplaying yourself, right. If you've done that you've had enough of that you want more, you want something else this is for you. This is for you, if you want support, to know how to manage your energy on that path. So you aren't in the Go, go go, I'm inspired, I'm inspired, and then crash and burn cycles. You have energy for the journey, right? The long haul, sustained, good feeling healthy energy. This is the if you want support to know how to tweak the structures of your life to more and more match who you are on the inside how you make sense, how you process and cognitively organise, and what your living structures could look like. So that that is happening and you're not in over adapting all the time, you're not wasting your energy, doing things that don't work, right, you're freeing up the energy to actually be in ways that work. This is view if you want support to shift out of scripting out of negative self talk out of the concern about judgement and rejection, out of seeing yourself only through the lens of how other people see you. This is about moving beyond the question of whether you're legitimate or not. You exist, this world exists. Now what you aren't meant to fit in. Right? You're not meant to fit in, you actually can't. Or at least not sustainably, not for long, right? can do it for a bit. But it's hurting, right? It's harming it's not working. It's a waste of energy. And your previous ways of doing things your past might be saying to you that that's your only option, but there is so much more available. And it's a How about you resource yourself and get yourself a support system before finding out? Find out who actually are you? Who are you when you get to follow and believe the nudges and the instincts of your soul right or of your inner self, your spirit. So this is not a support group. This is you me coaching one on one but in a group setting. And the group setting means you build context for your journey by witnessing other people get coached to which is often more effective and more helpful than being coached directly. This has been my experience too. I love being coached in a group. I love learning in a group. I love not being responsible for other people's journey and yet benefiting from witnessing there's so If this is something that might be of interest to you, I want to let you know that doors are open to date, the doors are open, you can head to the link at the top of the show notes, you'll be on a journey that's laid out for six months. But you get to go at it at your own pace, and stay as long as you want. And that means you get to keep accessing weekly coaching, as long as this programme exists, which if it's done to me, be a long time. You also get to witness those parallel journeys of other folks who are asking for coaching, sharing life experiences, sharing their journey in ways that are highly relevant to your own right. You get to experience the self acceptance that comes when you see when you experience in your body, how you accept other people who share your traits, when you can see their potential, their brilliance, their humanity. And it's like a mirror to your own right, who are people who are not just autistic who hold other historically marginalised identities. And knowing how to work with the Brain Body nervous system piece, is the piece that's been missing, this is grounded in unlearning, in self determination. This is grounding in Cymatics and nervous system work in you have an agency to make your own reality, your own sense making style. What will make the most impact on my well being my sense of self? And how can I find new ways of responding to my life that lead to what I want. This is really about adding tools to your toolkit for expanding your options for how to be so that masking isn't your only option. Right? And this is about you being believed. This is about you having the support to build the belief for what you want, and the nervous system safety to expand, and how to work with your cognitive tendencies. And being alongside radically minded, imaginative visionary co conspirators, who are also culture shifters in the making. If you look in the show notes, you'll find the link at the top of that page. When you click on that link, and go through all the information you'll also see that you can book a one on one call with me to ask all of the questions that you might have to see if you feel good in making this decision. And taking everything in this podcast and actually applying it with support. So I'll finish there. Love you lots. Bye.