35. Prospering as a deviant

Episode Summary:

In the legacy of Eurocentric forms of knowledge,

that are about having a self appointed god-like gaze over others

and naming and labelling and defining meanings

into splits separations and hierarchies,

there is an obsession with being right.

With doing the right thing
in the right way;
fitting in with the status quo
being a good cog
not rocking the boat.

This can complicate the path to identifying, expressing and contributing your gifts.

And contribute to a sense that - it’s not actually okay for me to express my gifts.

It's not possible for me to prosper AND be myself.

It will lead to rejection or harm.


And yet, you have an inner conviction, right?

There is some part of you that does know that you have strengths, insights, perspectives, gifts, unique zones of excellence...

So the solution is to get around people who can amplify that inner knowing.

And who can reflect that conviction back to you.


Unedited TRANSCRIPT

Hey sibling. So I want to talk about in this episode, the possibility that I want to invite you to entertain, as uncomfortable as it will be. The idea is prospering, while expressing your gifts or being yourself, whichever feels the most difficult. The idea that it's possible to be fully sustained and nourished and do well and prosper. while also being yourself. And I want to talk about what has made that difficult, and I don't think it's unique to I think this is a common thing.

I think this is like a general big lie in the water that we're swimming in, right, the idea that you can't be yourself and feel good, and do things that come naturally, and also be sustained materially to prosper, to have a good experience of life doing that, right there is this idea that you have to compromise yourself, you have to negate your needs, you have to work hard to deserve your existence, right. And in this episode, I want to add a few layers to that which are specific to number one, if you have any kind of historically marginalised identity.

And number two, if you have any kind of learning difference, cognitive difference, particularly those that fall under the neuro division flow flavours of having what's called a spiky profile, which basically just means if we mapped your strengths and weaknesses, in terms of how they are valued in the culture, right and recognised and measured, then and for example, the school system, then your map would look much more spiky. It is then it would have higher mountains and deeper valleys and be much more spiky in terms of the distribution of those strengths and weaknesses as in Mark strengths and weaknesses that go that are more extreme than the general population.

In the legacy of Eurocentric forms of knowledge that are based on the self appointed, godlike gaze over other people naming, labelling, defining the meaning of things, defining the meaning of bodies, beings life forms, and splitting them separating out regarding them as separate and distinct and fixed entities and then placing them in hierarchies. Right, that is the basis of our Western scientific notions of what knowledge constitutes, within that there's this obsession with being right, doing the right thing.

Being right, being corrected in those hierarchies. And knowing the right answer, fitting in with that hierarchy and those splits and separations and the decrees of meanings projected onto bodies. Being a good cog in those hierarchies, not rocking the boat, not being out of order. And the ways in which you may have been read into that hierarchy that you may have been read in that hierarchy as lower down as having less power less agency, less permission to determine what something means including your own being your own body, and your own existence. And so this may have infused the experiences that you've had with authority of any kind, where there's been a kind of unwritten, unspoken decree, decision meaning projected onto either yourself expression, your body, your existence, your skin colour, your hair, your sexuality, your gender expression, your body shape, your size, your ability, your fatness, your age, the tangibly recognisably culturally rewarded life achievements that you've accrued or not. Right, as if some of that is wrong, not good enough, too much bad.

And especially a reason for you not to express anything that exists outside of the top down hierarchies, of the social systems that we're in, right. Now, you don't get to be right. Only certain people get to be right. And therefore you must be wrong. And this can obviously collect up into trauma and complicate the path to expressing and contributing your gifts. your insights, your perspective, your presence, because people seeing that you're deviating right from the given the status quo is also interpreted as an undermining of what they've invested their power and their sense of who they are into, right?

How dare you be better at something than me? How dare you offer a different perspective? How dare you exist as if you don't have to comply with this the structures of meaning. And this is also true of existing outside of colonial notions of intelligence, right. And the idea that there is one Scale of Intelligence that it can be measured, and the ways it's measured.

And that if you display traits that are high on the IQ scale, and low on the IQ scale, that you exist in other ways that can't be measured, that don't make sense that you are breaking this system of hierarchy. And therefore, that there is something wrong about you that you're doing it wrong, or that you shouldn't be believed. And this is why being believed in a diagnosis in some kind of invisible difference can also be an ingredient that is important, right? It's an element, an ingredient of a struggle, that also needs to be seen, right.

And so all of these things can mean that the projections of other people and their self esteem being tied up with their ability to conform, and perform correctness and earn their place in these hierarchies in the pecking order. The projections on you as someone who's deviating from that can land in your body in an impact you in really harmful ways, right? And can contribute to a sense that it's actually not safe to express your gifts. It's actually not safe to offer your insights than your perspective, it's not safe to be in the body that you're in, and that doing so will lead to rejection or harm.

9:04
And I want to specifically talk about the element which is around your gifts, your insights, your natural tendencies, and how important it is in a journey of healing. To come into a relationship with our gifts, and the experience of offering them an element of that is coming into the possibility that you can prosper. That you can open up your heart and spirit to the universe and trust that you will be looked after. If you surrender to what you are being called to create or contribute or steward. Trusting that offering up of your contribution is a part of Have that journey of healing of going up against the the ideas that what you're offering, what you represent, is somehow a problem. And that it's not something that you should be ashamed of, or hide. And often the thing that you are ashamed of, or that you think you should hide, is often the exact thing that the world is most needing, rather, is most medicinal, that is most restorative. And that the innate traits, the lived experience, the perspective that you do have, that also the sensory sense making the cognitive styles that you have, these are of enormous value, because it's exactly what's needed. And trusting that and trusting that that will be seen, that there are people in places where that will be recognised, can be really difficult. And I want to offer that where we can start is by finding people who can affirm that, right? Who recognise that and sharing, to begin with yourself just with those people. Right, so not with the people who underestimate you not with the people who get jealous or envious or resentful that how come you get to exist up these hierarchies. Why not the people who don't give you credit, but to find your people to find the people who can recognise it can see it, and who appreciate it at a level that is reflective of what it is that you bring, right and who you are. These places of not only acceptance, but appreciation are really important. And they're really important parts of you starting to trust that it is possible to prosper, it is possible to be paid well, it is possible to offer up what you're here to contribute, and have that be compensated for, to be sustained in that to be mutually nourished, to be supported and looked after, in the doing of that, right. So the starting point is to find those people to find those places, and to not expect it everywhere. And to give and give and give in those places where that giving is seen and recognised. Something that I think for me is a big part of coaching, is seeing when there is something in the nervous system of the personal coaching, where there is conviction where there is confidence where there is this quiet sense of knowing of the value or the substance or the strength, or the importance or the uniqueness, of a perspective of an experience of a lived experience, something that they've been through and inviting that quiet conviction to be expressed, and to be affirmed and to have me resonate with that. And therefore to give them the experience in their body. That yes, my inner knowing is being reflected externally. And this is something that I find really fulfilling, and love to do and look out for. Because sometimes we think that healing is going to the dark places and working through difficult emotions and having these cathartic, big, like emotional experiences. And actually, what I'm really rooting in is the necessity and the true healing journey. Being so much less about revisiting difficult experiences, and so much more about drawing out and creating more neural pathways around the things that feel good. The things that are true internally, the things that we're afraid to claim the desires, the dreams, the knowings and the gifts that we are underestimated in under appreciated in under resourced for, and to give platform and space an honouring and reflection to those parts of the experience. So when you are in this healing journey, when you are thinking about working with me or anyone who's out there, that you're wanting to work with to support you consider that it's, it's that it's that good feeling. It's that affirmation, it's someone being able to recognise when that is happening in you, where you do have that, quote, competence, where you do have that inner knowing, and you just haven't had enough spaces to have that affirmed and reflected, and how much having that reflected is an antidote that allows your body to release some of the harms of the past. And to no longer feel like you have to be adapted to that. And instead, you can start to adapt to spaces where those gifts are welcomed, where those insights and those inner knowings and truths and convictions are seen and appreciated and supported and affirmed, right? I think one of the fundamental benefits of coaching that I've received is having someone affirm and reflect back the internal authority that I'm wanting to step into. And for me, that is such a massive part of what I do, what I'm inviting you into, if you're thinking about working with me, this is also a big part of the group that I offer. So much of it is about celebrating the wins is about affirming, the progress that's being made is about, hey, these good things happen, or I created this thing and something happened, or, Hey, I just want to be seen in this perspective, this experience that feel good. And I think what happens in a lot of spaces that are meant to be about healing is too much focus on the harm, too much revisiting too much of replaying of the bad. And what that does is it just reinforces it in our body memory in a neural networks. And so much of what healing is really about is affirming the good that hasn't had enough affirmation, feeling good about who we are feeling good about what we bring to the table, feeling good about the existence that you have had. Right, the things that you know, in yourself. And, yeah, so for me as the coach, I'm always looking out for where can I sense that in someone's nervous system, where I maybe don't know what the specifics are. But in offering that I'm seeing something I'm inviting people to, yeah, speak to what that is to share about that. And to take up more space in their body and in the world, through that inner authority, when there's been a lifetime of having to negotiate external authorities that denied it raised, downplayed and devalued your existence.

18:36
So step one, to prospering, while being yourself while expressing your gifts, is to get around people who can reflect that inner knowing. And that you can experience that as an as something in your body. And therefore can start to more and more step into that just being your truth, that just being who you are. And the result of that is a transformation in your experience of being in the world. Not as someone who has to negotiate with authority, but who walks with such inner authority, that you start to influence the culture that you model that self esteem, as social esteem that people can then decide, do I want to agree with that or not. And then that explicit modelling and embodying have that self esteem and that inner knowing and that inner authority means that the responses that you get are going to be accurate to that. And very quick information about who is for you and who isn't. And that allows you to make decisions accordingly, about where you spend your time, your energy, and with whom you share. Things that you bring. Love you lots. Bye